jueves, 3 de julio de 2008

I lost my fear of falling; I'm taking back the life you stole

I’m the kind of person who likes to look for many opinions about some situation. I like to think about myself as some of those people who do things right. And I’m happy with that, because I do what many people would do in my place. But this time… This time I’m regretting what I did.

I don’t know why I started dating #30… Maybe my time with girls was over… Or I just felt to do it… Even the foulest idiot knows that I don’t like guys… But this battle was lost against one.

Love wasn’t the reason and he wasn’t my type… I mean, I’m a lesbian… Men have swinging organs I really don’t need to have my “happy hour”.

The last time I spent a night with one was years ago. He had a Greek God’s body, great skin than mine and an excellent lexicon! He used words so easily that he convinced me to drink five martinis, even knowing my top were three. That was a hell of a night and I’d prefer not to talk about the next day!

Anyway, having #30 as my boyfriend is quite annoying. He treats me like the little girl I’m not, buys me lovely princess clothes and forgets to leak my clitoris when we have sex.

Girls are way better than dudes. They know how to tell you the truth without being cocky, they touch you and, when you never expect it, you become a new person. They make you realize you’re not alone, they smile when you say jokes, they surprise you with the little things they do, they give you the hug you need and they dare to talk to you. Women are life, they are the reason why you’re here and they are the motive of your happiness.

Sincerely, why God created men first? To make them think they are bigger than we are? Because that’s the only reason I could forgive that to the Lord: “To make them THINK they are bigger than we are”.

We, girls, are stronger than boys.

Honestly, I don’t know how I let my feelings drove me to this… I don’t like guys… They are liars; they talk crap and say the nicest things to poison your body with martinis. Then, the next day you wake up in the beach… Feeling the sun burning your naked body and blood coming out from your cavities… You don’t know how many times they rapped you or how many people touched you while you were drunk… Not even one girl would do that to me.

#30 was just cool as a friend, now I’m sick of him. I have to break up with him, but the hardest part of this is destroying his heart… And that was what I wanted to repair in the first place.

He was alone, his ex girlfriend committed suicide in his own bedroom and he wasted two months of his life! Just because of me! How couldn’t I feel guilty!? The blue eyed girl pulled the trigger because I pushed her too much! She was desperate! She was going to have a child, she was kick out of her house and I just wanted her to tell the world she was lesbian!

I was so selfish… God knows I only wanted someone to share my life with… Maybe she was the wrong person… I shouldn’t steal my friend’s girlfriend…

Now I’m just faking everything in my way… I’m not the happy and funny girl I used to be. I walk different, I speak about stuff I never did and I’m dating with the genre I swore never hang out!

How can you take a bad choice without asking someone else!? I regret this situation so much!

If I don’t do something quickly I could end up like my ex. I have to come back from the dead! I'm taking back the life you stole!

After three hours, I got an idea. #30 and I were going to pick up his friend from jail, the one who won a parole. We weren’t in my house or his car, jail was a neutral place and he would have a friend to help him in his sadness.

“I don’t love you” he said while we where waiting outside the building!

“What!?” I replied with anger because I was going to break up with him first!

“You’re different… You’re not that sweet girl who visited me here.”

“I am what I am!”

“Yeah, but not what you used to be. You act like someone else. I don’t love you. Not anymore.”

“You knew it, right? You knew I was going to end this relationship once and for all!”

He walked a couple steps with silence. My blood was moving like never before. Then, #30 took out from his car the calendar I gave him for our anniversary; he proceeded to open it and showed to me.

“Why would you do this photo shoot if you're supposedly straight?” he questioned while he pointed the calendar

“You’re a guy! Any dude in this world would give anything to have a girlfriend who gives him a calendar with her naked body on it!” I argued

“Yeah! But when the world knew you as a lesbian, it’s really hard for me to think that you are heterosexual when you give me a book full of pictures with you and other girls making out. You’re still a lesbian and I don’t know why we began dating. Why did you lie to me!?”

“Because I wanted to clean the mess I made.”

“What? What are you saying?” he asked confused.

“I was… She did that because… I was…”

#30 got quite mad when I started hesitating, he didn’t know what I was going to confess but he felt he wasn’t prepared. He grabbed my arms, shacked me to pull the truth out off me and he really did it!

“Your dead girlfriend cheated on you with ME!”

The calendar fell on the floor.

“I visited you at jail ‘cause I felt guilty. You were there because of me… And I’m sorry about that but--”

“Shut up.” he interrupted me.

“I’m sorry…”

“I don’t want to see you anymore… We… We’re over. I’m done with you.” He said while he left me alone in front of the building.

So, I walk to the next bus station and the last thing I remember about him is that bad look he gave me while he and his friend from jail passed with his car in front of me. Everything wasn’t like I planed it… But I think… I’m free. I can be myself again…

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